CL Pauwels at Large

Every 365* days when that calendar page flips ahead one big number, we’re inundated with year-end-in-review/here’s-to-the-new-year posts. I usually read a few. Top 10 Lists used to be a favorite, but now they’re just annoying. And I didn’t intend to write such a post, which is why this is a week into the new year instead of hitting the web as the ball dropped in Times Square (or the walleye in Put-in-Bay, etc. – your choice).

But I’ve realized those reflective posts can serve the same purpose as the essays I assign my students at the end of each semester: What did you learn? What did you expect to learn that we didn’t cover – and was that a good thing? What activities surprised you in their usefulness, and which would you just as soon have skipped? Because I take those essays and adjust my syllabus for the next time that class comes around. If I don’t look back to see what worked and what didn’t, and make the appropriate changes, I stagnate. I can’t improve.

And if I do nothing else, I want to keep learning and improving. So here goes, my reflections on 2018, based on the questions that I ask my students and focusing on What did I learn?:

I learned that my expectations of myself and of those around me are often sadly misaligned with reality.

I expected to be organized enough to finish Jadz #3 (working title: Unwelcome Ties), and I’m not much further along now than I was this time last year. There’s a good reason for that, but that leads to my next answer.

I expected my ill-fated campaign for political office to introduce me to effective means of governing and improving (there’s that word again) the community I call home. I expected the local political party to have their sh*& together and shepherd me through a process I was recruited for and that was entirely foreign to me. And I expected voters to care enough to elect experienced, qualified candidates rather than voting a straight-party ticket with no critical thought engaged whatsoever. Boy, was I wrong! (For more on that disappointing venture, read my campaign wrap-up on Medium.)

My comfort zone was stretched to its breaking point and beyond more times than I can count thanks to the campaign. But as much as I dreaded every speaking engagement, every phone call, and every (pointless? repetitive?) meeting, I learned a great deal about public speaking, about audience engagement, about the vital importance of having a plan/agenda and sticking to it.

Most surprising for me, I also learned to be flexible enough so that when life (and poorly organized events) didn’t happen as planned, I could throw out the script and still give an effective presentation (most of the time!). I learned how to stand up to a screaming bully. And I learned (okay, “am learning”) to accept that negative reactions aren’t necessarily about me, but about a specific topic.

All of those lessons will serve me well as I move forward in my writing life, and I hope future blog posts will continue my abandoned exploration of the similarities between the publishing world and politics.

Skipping any number of those meetings would have been nice. I clocked over 3,500 miles from February through November, and most weekends faced multiple events back to back. The sudden paucity of activities on my calendar starting November 7^th was jarring.

This is where I’m supposed to be positive and upbeat for 2019, right? Instead, I’m reeling, still seeking a new center, an ability to return to my novel (or any writing) – and I’m floundering. The despair and discouragement weigh heavily, and the barrage of media negativity that I’d hoped to leave behind after I no longer had to be immersed in it simply won’t go away.

So where does that leave me? Seeking, as always, and still learning. Fumbling with my writing, but (as a wise friend reminded me just last week) showing up and waiting for the words with my hands on the keyboard. I guess that’s as good a direction as any to take forward into a new year.

*or 366, I know, but that’s Leap Year, and that means a presidential election. I cringe at the prospect of living through another endless campaign season (from the outside, thank you very much!) that’s already begun ☹