CL Pauwels at Large

Whether it’s the universe trying to tell me something, or my reticular-activating system kicking in (yay, ʼ90s Pacific Institute seminar!), I’m seeing more and more articles about the vagaries of adult friendships – all while I struggle with my own dearth of same (the IRL kind, not the numerous social media “friends” I’ve never seen in person). It may be lockdown strain on relationships, or the always-painful realization that work friendships rarely extend beyond the office walls, but I find my already-small pool of friends shrinking steadily.

I’ve been on the fringes of social groups since grade school, outside the cliques and cool kids, wistfully looking on, never quite sure what the secret rules were to inclusion. I’ve learned to bring value-added service to any blossoming relationships, because why else would anyone stick around if I weren’t useful to them in some special way? Cut off the work-assist benefits, and friendships crumble, reinforcing my lack of inherent self-worth.

One of those recent articles (whose link I’ve lost) revealed a much-debated practice of weighing social interaction with “friends” and eliminating those folks who don’t respond in kind after three attempts. Since I’m usually the one who has to instigate tea/lunch/drinks, that would reduce my tiny circle of friends even further.

I don’t want to burden emotional connections with statistical ratios, but the rationality of that debate makes far too much sense. Maybe I’m simply being a pest. Are people staying connected out of guilt? Pity? Abhorrence of confrontation? What about passive ghosting? Maybe I need to take a lesson from ScaryMommy Diana Park and just stop pushing.

I’m not sure, but thinking the worst of any situation is my superpower. With that in mind, all while the scales teeter out of balance, I need to step back…for my own sanity. Rejection comes often enough in the writing world; I don’t need to heap on more in personal relationships. Those count-on-one-hand friends I cherish deserve the focus of my attention, without the scales. The faltering situational friendships deserve to fade away…for all our sakes.

How do you manage adult friendships? What secret am I missing – again?